On Dating

Your persistence confuses me

“Listening is a willingness to change” – Improv Teacher

I would have given up the first time.

     Where does this fight come from?

I call it stubborn,

            masochistic

But you keep going back.

What is sanity?

You seem to know yourself.

I don’t even know what to put

on an OKCupid profile

and fret for hours about how it looks.

I don’t even know what I want.

Does anyone, ever (know

         what they’re looking for

   before they find it?)

Nonsmoker

Self-care

Knows what “boundaries” means,

(seeks the same)

I can laugh at myself in safety.

I like to laugh at myself.

I judge myself for you

perhaps before you even

have a chance to let

me be, unjudged.

I’m quick, like a snake.

The Israelites were healed

when they looked up at the snake

on the post.

The unseen,

terrifying,

                        potentially lethal.

I wonder if they could laugh

at it, too.

Healing comes through faith

that the absurd can happen

that the unseen can exist

that we are loved

            even when we don’t want it

                        or deserve it.

In theory I know

In practice I forget.

Wholeness and healing come

from the same root word.

“Pain is inevitable,

            suffering is optional” – Meditation Teacher

It’s okay to not know

            everything ahead of time;

how it will pan out.

      I forget this when it

         comes to companionship.

I will hurt you.

I’m holding a lot in   

Like your lymph nodes

It feels small; efficiently packed.

I feel small.

“Select Job/Career”

– not listed –

subtext:

            taking care of self

            I’m not ready for you.

But I’m still looking

      out of fear

            that I’ll miss you

while I’m marinating.

“87% match, 91% friend, 0% enemy”

You’re a doctor

            and a Christian.

I won’t even label myself

      as “Christian – and very serious

      about it”.

I don’t even know what

     that means.

Even if it means a date –

because you think I’m something

            I am not.

“The Fetish does not reply” – Roland Barthes

On paper

         You look good.

              Red flag.

Formula,    not life.

When I adore myself

I’ll find you,

Adoring yourself

            And we’ll remind eachother

of how adorable

            We claim ourselves to be       (pause,  

         laughter).

                                               And laugh about it.

        Account deleted,        1:37 pm

Sybil Besheer

November 9, 2012

The corner window at Denny and Olive

Seattle

growth

I speak in to the easiness of your last kiss

found wanting as the tide begins to drift

it stills me knowing that someday i’ll see

the beauty of love in certainty

in foundations that blossom into gardens of peace

we find growth in the little things, even the weeds.

and i find myself sitting, pondering your love;

resting amidst the restlessness of infidelity,

teasing out the sprouting filth that weighs on me

and deadens me.

as the flowers stretch up to reach your light

and the ocean is pulled to you each night

so i bow and confess your faithfulness

your glory and peace which help me rest

knowing that in you is life alone

and that by your grace you’ll pull me home.

amen.

Moments of Grace

Moments of grace spilled out in front of my eyes this week and last:

1. A wearisome poet coming home after 10 years of being on tour. In this final show, the aches of being ready to stop and rest reverberated into our hearts. He didn’t deny his restlessness, but let it be, and let us witness the honesty of saying ‘goodnight’ rather than pushing through to doing one more poem.

2. A state trooper steering a frightened mother duck and her three ducklings down a busy interstate onramp.

3. This Song: Middle of June – by Noah Gunderson

4. Being gently and faithfully awoken early each day by God.

5. A beautiful spring night

6. “Put your ear to the sky
and listen my darling,
everything whispers I love you.”

7. A beautiful spring day.

8. Community to share both the good and difficult aspects of life with.

Taking a Stand For Poor Kids -- Geoffry Canada

As some of you know, I work in a high school. More specifically, I work with special education students in traditional classrooms providing extra support for them. Some need more help (focusing mostly) than others - but what I've found to be needed across the board for these students is a belief in themselves. Granted, all high school students need this, but especially those who have fallen behind the rest for one reason or another.

I know what it's like to feel like the stupidest kid in class, moving my finger quickly across pages during silent reading so that no one would see how slowly I really read. Of course, pretending to understand never helped me gain the skills to actually understand; pretending like I could read never helped me learn to read any faster.

One reason that I particularly enjoy working with these students is because I can approach them from a place of relatedness. I see their struggles and know them intimately - and so, I want to free them from the shame that comes with struggling in school - and perhaps give them hope that it does get better. This guy, Geoffrey Canada, has been working to give all under-privileged kids in Harlem an equal opportunity for education, tackling problems by intervening as early as pregnancy, and carrying them straight into college. This guy is on it - so much to learn from him...

Geoffrey Canada: Taking A Stand For Poor Kids

By the way, this is one of those programs that leaves you looking like an idiot because you're sitting in your driveway for 20 minutes after you get home so that you can finish it. Yeah. It's that good.

Free the Creativity!

"People trying to be original always arrive at the same boring old answers. Ask people to give you and original idea and see the chaos it throws them into. If they said the first thing that came into their head, there'd be no problem.

An artist who is inspired is being obvious. He's not making any decisions, he's not weighing up one idea against another... How else could Dostoyevsky have dictated one novel in the morning and one in the afternoon for three weeks in order to fulfill his contracts?"

Keith Johnstone, Impro: Improvisation and the Theater

Social Currency

I have never gone hungry. Not once in my life have I starved for food and not known where the next meal would come from. Not once have I been so poor as to seriously have I truly wanted. And I know without a doubt that if I even risked hunger, I would have more than a handful of people in my life that would not let me come even close to going without food. Or shelter. Or clothing. I live in abundance amidst friends and family who also live in abundance.

I have an education, a bank account, a line of credit, job experience and references, clothes for any social situation. I know social etiquette across a variety or groups and situations. I have lived as much of the American dream as can be expected of a 25 year old female in my culture.

In high school I played varsity sports, got good grades without much effort, had a car, went to every high school dance, got some work experience as a barista, and had great friends. I went to a prominent university where I lived in the dorms and then a house off campus with friends, I played club college soccer for four years, I backpacked through Europe and studied abroad, and I finished in four years successfully while working throughout. I took time off before applying to graduate school, worked hard, made money, indulged in clothes and accessories, moved around the country for a while, learned to cook, and settled back home among my friends, family, and familiar city when the time was right.

I've done it all right. I've had all of the experience that my culture has told me will lead to success, wisdom, and respect. I can sit among the high school students that I work with with confidence in my life experience and diverse knowledge. I've done it all right. A+ performance. My social and cultural pockets are deep and heavy - I have stored up what the world has given me and invested it for more profit.

The problem now comes in my desire to use that social currency; to depend on that in social situations as my security. I am depending on my investments to carry me through. But 'where your treasure is, there your heart is also', says Jesus. And he also tells us, "it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.”

I am the rich young ruler being asked to give up all of my possessions for the sake of following Christ. And here the anxiety sets in. Will I be like St. Francis of Assisi and risk all by setting aside the wisdom of this world, my social status, and financial security? Will you?

The wisdom books of the Bible (Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and Job to name a few) tell us that the wisdom of this world is meaningless without the fear of God. We can learn cultural and social survival until the cows come home, but for what? Perhaps I need to be more diligently focusing my everyday education on how to lift others up with words and actions rather than defending my honor. Or listening more patiently to another's story without trying to interject my own. Or maybe even speaking the truth into a friends life that will cut in some way - but needs to be said for the sake of growth. Any other thoughts?

Lent Day 3: Come As You Are

Sometimes I forget how awesome walking is. I forget that it allows you to be more in touch with your surroundings. The noises of a neighborhood, the rhythm of the people, the details of the buildings. As I walked through Capitol Hill today I noticed a building I've never seen before. It looked like an old Seattle homestead or law building, rich with history and character (as much as Seattle's short history allows), which intrigued me.

The sign on the window read 'Gilda's Club Seattle. Living with cancer? Come as you are'.

Come as you are. Come broken, hurting, sick. Come in the clothes your wearing, in the feelings your feeling. Come imperfect. It's ok.

These are God's words. This is ministry. Come as you are and we will be with you, listen to you, hold you. We will rejoice with you in your rejoicing and cry with you in your mourning. Come as you are.

I think we have an unfortunate tendency to forget that message, particularly in the church. I mean, how incredible would it be if that were the mission of the church? To proclaim boldly day in and day out, 'come as you are'. There are no prerequisites to God's love. No right thing to wear, no right thing to say, no right way to feel.

It saddens me that the church is an intimidating place to so many people. That there is hesitation for fear that they won't fit in - that they will stand out as an awkward outsider. What is striking is that the church, the body of Christ, is meant to be the one place where all fit in. Where all are outsiders welcomed with open arms. This is the place where the divisions of our world are being mended and transformed into peaceful differences. Where we find ourselves under the common authority and love of Christ alone.

So my question today is this: Do you feel comfortable coming to church exactly as you are? Or do you feel that you have to maintain a certain image at church in order to be accepted?

If so, I encourage you to stand out. I encourage you to come just as you are. Because I promise you that doing just this frees others to do the same: to feel comfortable in their skin, in their feelings, in their clothes, in their doubts, in their fears. My hope is that we can begin to embrace the true diversity and beauty of the body of Christ - beginning with ourselves.