On Dating

Your persistence confuses me

“Listening is a willingness to change” – Improv Teacher

I would have given up the first time.

     Where does this fight come from?

I call it stubborn,

            masochistic

But you keep going back.

What is sanity?

You seem to know yourself.

I don’t even know what to put

on an OKCupid profile

and fret for hours about how it looks.

I don’t even know what I want.

Does anyone, ever (know

         what they’re looking for

   before they find it?)

Nonsmoker

Self-care

Knows what “boundaries” means,

(seeks the same)

I can laugh at myself in safety.

I like to laugh at myself.

I judge myself for you

perhaps before you even

have a chance to let

me be, unjudged.

I’m quick, like a snake.

The Israelites were healed

when they looked up at the snake

on the post.

The unseen,

terrifying,

                        potentially lethal.

I wonder if they could laugh

at it, too.

Healing comes through faith

that the absurd can happen

that the unseen can exist

that we are loved

            even when we don’t want it

                        or deserve it.

In theory I know

In practice I forget.

Wholeness and healing come

from the same root word.

“Pain is inevitable,

            suffering is optional” – Meditation Teacher

It’s okay to not know

            everything ahead of time;

how it will pan out.

      I forget this when it

         comes to companionship.

I will hurt you.

I’m holding a lot in   

Like your lymph nodes

It feels small; efficiently packed.

I feel small.

“Select Job/Career”

– not listed –

subtext:

            taking care of self

            I’m not ready for you.

But I’m still looking

      out of fear

            that I’ll miss you

while I’m marinating.

“87% match, 91% friend, 0% enemy”

You’re a doctor

            and a Christian.

I won’t even label myself

      as “Christian – and very serious

      about it”.

I don’t even know what

     that means.

Even if it means a date –

because you think I’m something

            I am not.

“The Fetish does not reply” – Roland Barthes

On paper

         You look good.

              Red flag.

Formula,    not life.

When I adore myself

I’ll find you,

Adoring yourself

            And we’ll remind eachother

of how adorable

            We claim ourselves to be       (pause,  

         laughter).

                                               And laugh about it.

        Account deleted,        1:37 pm

Sybil Besheer

November 9, 2012

The corner window at Denny and Olive

Seattle