End of NYC, Beginning of Lent

I leave New York City in a week. It's been a fantastic experience so far- I've honestly fallen in love with this city. I caught myself sighing the other day to the sight of a beautiful green, modestly sized apartment building. Stained with the remnants of a sloppy, vandalistic graffiti job - half scrubbed off - and littered with attempts at urban gardens placed in the only available space on the block: between the building and the sidewalk. The advertisements draping either side of the bilateral building blend in to the business of taxis, buses, and pedestrians coming off the subway on the corner of 2nd Ave and E. Houston St. This sight is honestly a treat to those romanced by the by the business of the city. I get it now. I get why people are drawn to New York, like flies to the bright, enchanting light of a bug zapper.

I was skeptical at first and didn't think I would like it at all. But once I got over the compulsive worries of where I was, what train to catch (and in which direction), and the hundreds and hundreds of neighborhood and important street names to remember, I finally could look around. I could finally watch the people around me BEING as they are. I could sit with the rest of the crowd, worn out and ready to be in the comfort of a place to call home, tolerating the blaring headphone music of the (soon to be deaf) person 15 feet away.

I found a temp job at Teach for America where I met some really great people, and recently found a fantastic church that I, unfortunately, will only have gotten to go that one time. I leave in a week and am going to Boston this weekend, but when I come back to this dear, now familiar city, I will return to All Angel's Church. I was reading the blog on their website after church on Sunday, and the priest was posing options for thought about what to give up for Lent. I'd been half-assedly toying with different ideas ("facebook? no, did that last year. sweets? no, I don't like being restricted legalistically like that- it would just be another rule) until his "urge to consider fasting this Lent". Not really something I've considered to be in my spectrum of capabilities previously. But that urge kept on ringing in my ear until Tuesday night I decided to heed the call.


to be continued...

A Mixed Bag if You Will

This is a weird time in my life. I leave for New York City in T-3.5 days, not knowing what I'm going to be doing, where exactly I'm going to be staying, or how long exactly I'll even be there. I guess this is where trust comes in. It's so easy to assume that just because it was my spontaneous plan to move to NY for a few months, that God can't use it. And in that, I lose faith in myself and my ability to rise above temptations, struggles, insecurities. Really, this is a place to start over though. I need to remember that the Lord, in both this opportunity and every other, is allowing me room to see Him more clearly (or conversely allowing me to lose sight completely if I so choose). I NEED to choose the former. Everyday. I need to learn to be disciplined... but that's for another story.

It has definitely been weird saying goodbye to people who I'm not sure that I'll ever see again. But I was reminded by a friends that sometimes purging relationships can be more healthy than holding onto them. And I'm the first to tell you that I fear letting go of relationships. This will be good. I have to keep telling myself that.

"LET GO of your insecurities, LET GO of your fears. LET ME take the burden" says the Lord. But letting go is the hardest part. Because, after all, who will catch me when I fall? In reality, though, were any of those superficial relationships willing to or even there for me to catch me in the first place? Probably not.

"Stop WORRYING about what other people think!" says the Lord. But if I stop caring, who will I have to impress? Who will want to be around me? Won't I OFFEND everyone with my RELIGION? The last thing I want to do is OFFEND someone! How will that ever bring them closer to the TRUTH? Ha. Can't you just count the lies I tell myself?

I end with a morsel of truth: There is no moment that you can change except for the one you are in right now. The past is over with, and the future nothing but an illusion we label as "inevitable". But inevitability can be changed in this moment. This moment. So take the reigns and steer as you so choose.